Originally this piece was published on Recruiting.com. I thought it was a wee-bit controversial so I asked Jason to publish anonymously. He agreed (you can his great intro here). But after my post yesterday about the battle between HR and the CFO I thought it worthwhile resurrecting it and taking ownership. So here is the deathmatch we all (or at least I) have been waiting for...
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Hi, I’m Bob Anweave, and I’m here with you tonight as the World Work Federation brings you an exciting cage bout. Money meets people in a head-on-head collision to see who will rule the capitalist ring. We are coming to you live from Wall Street, New York City, with an exclusive look at two powers, one mighty, one not, but both with lots of history to claim the right of “Capitalist Master.” In the far corner we have the People team, composed of the frail HRdini and the mighty Talentismo. And in front of us, wearing green silks and eye shades is team money: the diabolical CFOinster and his malevolent henchman, the Dark Lord of Treasury.
What do you think will happen here tonight Dave?
Dave: It’s not even a contest Bob. CFOinister and the Dark Lord of Treasury have been clubbing every corporate function team then have come up against. They left team IT reeling with their famous thoughtless over the shoulder “cost cutter” maneuver. The only team that looks like they can beat these demons is legal, and they are demanding that the World Work Foundation let them join team money. I would have to say this contest is money’s to lose Bob!
Bob: Right you are Dave. The ref has called the two teams to the middle of the ring. Let’s listen in.
Ref: OK gentlemen, lady and dark overlords. Let’s have a clean fight. No name calling or unprofessional behavior. When I say break…
Bob: Holy cow Dave. Did you see that? CFOinister just head-locked the ref and threw him over the ropes.
CFOinister: Take that you regulation weeny and stick a SOX in it!
Dave: This one’s getting ugly right from the beginning. HRdini and CFOinister have tagged in and are starting to move back to the center of the ring. What a contrast between these two opponents. CFOinister must stand at over 7 feet tall, with muscles as big as bread loafs. He has dollar signs tattooed on each one of his biceps, and he is flexing his arms to show HRdini just who is boss in this ring. But look at HRdini. The guy must weigh 97 pounds sopping wet. His cute little full body unitard seems to be struggling not to slip off his shoulders and pool around his feet.
Bob: Ohhhh – CFOinister has got HRdini over his head and is doing a flying corporate power move.
CFOinister: Hey weenie boy, this is for saying “It’s all about the people!” Everyone knows it’s all about the bucks!
Bob: Wow, look at that little guy fly. I didn’t think a corporate body could bend that way without being broken. And so far HRdini just seems to be taking it. How can any corporate function take that kind of beating and still be standing?
Dave: Doesn’t look he will be for long Bob. CFOinister seems to be going straight for the kill. He is applying the dreaded “Outsource of Death” hold on HRdini. Looks like he is going to throw the poor little fella right out of the ring.
CFOinister: Eat my balance sheet punk!
Bob: That’s gotta hurt! At least there is a benefits administrator there to help him back on his feet. Seems like he may try to get back in the ring!
Dave: Nope Bob, looks like HRdini is already throwing in the towel and tagging in Talentismo. And just take a look at this gal. You know she’s a total dynamo, but you have to wonder how this little tower of power is going to take on Mr. Biceps over there. I think she better call home to social services if you ask me.
CFOinister: Come on girlie! Let me show you how a real corporate function dominates the board meeting!
Bob: CFOinister looks like he’s going to put this one away early. He towers over his competitor. The crowd obviously knows who is going to win: they are booing CFOinister, but rooting him on at the same time. Why don’t they make up their mind?
Dave: Yeah Bob this may all be over… wow! Hold on a minute. Talentismo just jumped up, grabbed CFOinister by the hair, and slapped him right across the face. How humiliating!
Talentismo: How about you get your own act together before you start pushing other people around, you big jerk!
Bob: CFOinister is obviously stunned. He is really flailing around. But he seems to be regaining his feet.
Talentismo: And this one’s for you’re your half-assed budgeting methods!
Dave: Eye poking isn’t supposed to be allowed, but she just nailed him Bob. The ref doesn’t seem to be paying any attention, maybe as payback for that SOX crack!
Talentismo: And this is for destroying shareholder wealth by paying more attention to your bankers than your customers.
Dave: She just kicked him out by the knees Bob. CFOinister is flat on his back.
Talentismo: And this is for your complete lack of understanding of cost benefit analysis and leaving us all high and dry trying to figure out the best way to help achieve the corporate strategy!
Dave: OWWW! I can’t believe she did that Bob! A pile driver right into the family jewels! CFOinister is doubled over, his face is bright red! He seems to be crawling over to the side to try to tag in his evil henchman: the Dark Lord of Treasury.
Bob: Treasury is slippery Dave. He doesn’t beat you over the head like CFOinister. Instead he keeps creeping around the ring until he gets a chance to launch some weird and complex move on you. All the competitors seem to think if it’s that complex, it’s got to be good, and they run away from the ring scared. Let’s see how Talentismo handles this mighty financial force!
Dark Lord: You can’t escape from me, my dear. Everyone knows that I have the ultimate move, the double-arbitrage, triple digit growth move that even scared the mighty CEOblivious from the ring. You won’t survive my scheming calculations!
Dave: He’s got her there Bob. Not even the top dog could stand up to this bad guy’s arcane arguments and fancy numbers. I think Talentismo might just have to think about changing her day job.
Bob: Call in the fat guy, cause this one’s all over… HOLY COW! Did you see that? She just doubled around behind the dark overlord and got him in a full Nelson! Hell, she’s throwing in the whole Nelson family.
Talentismo: Hey you little weasel, how come you are so bad at assessing risk? Why do you load us up with equity capital to get our credit rating up when you know our shareholders aren’t getting any value above the cost of capital? And why aren’t you focused on using derivatives to get more capital into value adding risks? Huh punk?
Dave: Man, she is really taking him downtown. She’s thrown him to the mat and is taking his hair and pummeling his head right into the canvas, over and over. I don’t know that I have ever seen the Dark Lord handled this way. He seems completely overwhelmed.
Talentismo: How about you come clean with our investors that you haven’t calculated the risk of the flight of key knowledge workers, huh? How about you tell everyone that we don’t even know if we make back more than the cost of capital? How about you start figuring out how to value individual contribution so our balance sheet really reflects our assets and liabilities? And tell your big hairy friend that his P&L calculations are a façade to keep the street coming back for more!
Bob: That taunt has got to hurt Dave! It looks like the point has been driven home. Team money is slinking back to their corner to be tended to by their cut man, SEClueless and their team of silk-vested bankers. Talentismo is parading around the canvas, not a scratch on her! Will you look at that!
Dave: It’s amazing Bob. I have never seen anybody take on money like that. And look at this – Talentismo is picking up HRdini and carrying him through the crowds. She is actually carrying him! The crowd seems to be sick of HRdini’s lackluster performances in the ring.
Bob: Makes you feel bad for Talentismo – the crowd should all be celebrating her unprecedented victory, and instead it seems they are all focusing on her little counterpart. Makes you wonder how long she is going to be willing to carry him around.
Well, that’s all from Wall Street , New York, New York. We look forward to seeing you next week when Team Regulators take on the mighty Unchecked Corporate Greed – two losers in the ring together for the thousandth time. It may be time to throw both of these schmucks out of the club Dave! Until that time, good night and good luck.
Why is it that whilst reading this Walmart keeps beeping in my head..
They could be a full example of this story.. Gee, considering their new fiasco
Talent hates that they get work off clock and decides to Sue (Civil Lawsuit- 40 nationaly)
Talent is forced by Mgmt to sign off that they were not working off clock or lose job
Talent was also forced to RECORD their voice and say they did not work off clock, or lose job
Talent gets restraining/cease and decist order from judge to have walmart quit "terrorizing" talent with threats.
Guess H.R was asleep at the wheel or keep losing the battle..
Walmart Stocks -- Down 25 Percent - dang those lawsuits, so many lost..
These lawsuits.. or is the reason behind the lawsuits.. hmm, which comes first, don't really remember.. anyways.. they really can really do something to the moral of Investors, consumers, and of course let's not forget the Talent.. Ah shucks, why not, it seems Walmart has..
No, this wasn't a beef of walmart, but I guess it can put into perscpective and provides an example of why the battle of Regulator/HR taking on Corporate Greed is not alwasys a losing one..
Posted by: Karen Mattonen | August 29, 2006 at 07:46 AM
That was a fun post
Posted by: jason | August 29, 2006 at 07:03 PM